Monokuro no Ai
by enRei
Summary: The first time a feeling of need, want and love evoked in Sasuke happened to be during his 29th summer; and even though the question of a gender wasn't the real problem, one still existed. And it took the look of the broken and empty shadow of a man for whom he fell. Beware the AU, OOC, crime, character death & one-sided ? NaruSasu.
1. Kuro no shin'en

**Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto, or any of the stupid things in here, except the plot.**

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_Have you ever lost someone precious to death?_

People have always theorized about the levels of death loss; when asked, they will give different answers, all of it depending on their experience. It has been noticed that certain things, points, popped up more than once. According to them, the most painful and gruesome loss, death, is always of those closest to you.

Losing your friends was the lowest level; not because such thing was unimportant, no. That too can sent you spiraling down the depths of depression. The reason these deaths weren't that devastating is the first two.

On the following place was put close family; the ones you've spent you're whole life with and the ones you've build unbreakable relationships. No matter how much the family member in question was hated, he was still a part of your heart.

The first one, the one that shattered both body and soul, is the death of a child. Nothing in this world could be compared to a mother, or a father, that lived the day to see their child departing this world, way before their time. _Before them_.

**My name is Uzumaki Naruto, and I have experienced all three kinds during my short 28 years of life.**

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I became orphaned on my 5th birthday, and even today I never got over it. Not only did I lose my father that day when a mad man broke into our home, I also lost my innocence. With no living relatives or friends, for my mother was presumed dead, I was sent to local orphanage.

I do not like to dwell upon what has happened in those far away days during my stay there, I can only tell you it wasn't pretty. Never getting a chance for a therapy, I closed off and sulked by myself; that didn't bode well with others.

Finally, after seven years spent in that wretched place, my grandparents found me. I could still remember that day clearly; in that dark, smoky office of principal's, I met two of the oddest person that walked this Earth. Tsunade-baba and Jiraya-jiji welcomed me into their lives and home open handed. With a few setbacks.

Tsunade-baba was a gambler, and a passionate one. True, besides my father, she was one of the most brilliant minds I have ever seen; a medical genius, that's what she was. Unfortunately, her constant gambling and drinking were making it hard for her to focus on what was really important. Like controlling her skirt-chasing, perverted husband.

Jiraya-jiji, as previously mentioned, was a pervert. A self-proclaimed super pervert, mind you. For him, it didn't matter the size, color, religion or age; if it wore skirt, it was good. Though, he has never cheated on Tsunade-baba, even though he had chances. I'm not that sure was it because of fidelity vow, or her nasty punch; either way, he stayed truthful.

It worked. An alcoholic doctor, perverted writer and an idiotic teen; we worked. We moved all the time, never staying in one place for too long. Sometimes, it was because of Tsunade-baba's debts or Jiraya-jiji's voyeurism; sometimes it was because of my inability to adapt to a new place. It didn't matter to us; we were free birds that loved to soar across the sky however and whenever we wanted.

I loved them both dearly, even though we fought daily. They were my family, my sanctuary and I honestly believed we would never grow apart.

However, life doesn't work that way; I should've guessed it would never be kind towards a pathetic human being like me. On their Pearl anniversary** [1]**, another lunatic took their life. As luck would have it, it was the same one who killed my father; Orochimaru.

Let me share a little family history, OK? Jiraya, Tsunade and Orochimaru were childhood friends; they grew up together in the same neighborhood, went to the same school and all that. When young, Tsunade and Orochimaru loved each other, they even planned to get married when they finished college. Alas, life, or should I say, death struck again; Orochimaru lost his parents in a plane crash, while they were visiting their dear son. He went mad, though he had his quirks before, and in one sorrowful evening, he killed Tsunade's younger brother, Nawaki. He was immediately sent to a loony bin, and nothing has been heard from him after that. From what he told me, a month before he killed my father, he escaped.

Why, you ask, did he do such things? Simple; in some dark, twisted corner of his mind, he concluded Tsunade was to blame for all of this. If his parents weren't so eager to come to their wedding, they wouldn't die. Too much time spent with other crazy people probably fueled his theory; he has come up with a plan to destroy everything Tsunade built in her life. Starting with her son and then moving onto her husband and her. The only reason he left me alive, _both times_, was in order for me to see his suffering and maybe become just like him. That and his newly found pedophilic tendencies.

So, he killed them. Not in front of my eyes, not this time, but I was the one who discovered the bodies and his little twisted message; which was in fact, his short biography. And a sickly promise that we shall meet again.

That happened in my 17th year of life.

Normally, I was sent to an orphanage, thankfully not the same. Although none of that got to me, I was traumatized for the second time by the same man, and the third one could come anytime. I had no illusions that he would kill me; I knew he wouldn't. But that wouldn't stop him from killing any other person that walked through my life, right?

So, I suffered in silence and loneliness, waiting for him to come. I could've lost myself to the darkness, and I nearly did, if it wasn't for my first real friend, and later my wife, Karin.

She wasn't the sweetest thing alive, nor was she a prototype of a beauty. She had a sharp, sarcastic tongue, bi-polar personality and could pack a really mean punch. But, amidst all off that cold hearted bitchiness laid a good natured, supportive and intelligent friend. When nobody else wanted anything to do with a secluded and weird shell of a man, she kicked me in the stomach and said: '_Quit your mopping brat and buy me some ramen!_' I can honestly say she had me at ramen- which was, by the way, and still is my favorite food.

She was talkative and hyper, always bitched about something or someone; never afraid to strike both stronger and weaker than her. She, like Tsunade-baba, had her sights on medicine. When finally given the chance to prove herself, she was one of the greatest doctors in all Japan. With her by my side, for she never let me leave it, I became myself again; a cheery, bubbly and quite annoying person. I was still scared of my past, but Karin never let me involve myself too much in it. She kept me alive.

On her twentieth birthday, I took her to the most prestige restaurant there was in town and proposed. After a good slap on the head and a '_What took you so long!_' she complied. Not a year later, she made me the happiest man in the universe by giving me a gift of fatherhood.

Our son, Gaara, had a wild, bloody hair, just like her. But, when he opened his tiny eyes, what welcomed me was a lighter version of mine's. That day, January the 19th I cried like baby; which was quite the irony, 'coz Gaara was a silent kid.

He was nothing at all like the two of us; always silent, calm and strangely rational. At moments, he seemed like me, before I met Karin. But there were times, when he would give me the brightest and the most beautiful smiled I could imagine; and I didn't worry so much.

Then I lost them. Not to that sick, perverted man, but to a _stupid _bus driver. A bus driver that couldn't see them walking down the sidewalk. I got a call that afternoon, telling me the horrible news; my son had died instantly, while my wife was fighting for her life in the same hospital she worked in. I recall running to her like, faster than I had ever; thinking that _he _was the one responsible, praying to Gods that it was mistake, a prank call. By the time I got there, she was already dead.

I was crushed, torn and beaten, sinking next to their bodies; weeping, screaming, demanding for somebody, _anybody_ to give them back. They both were still, freezing to the touch, sprouting bruises all over their body. I couldn't believe I could never again feel her fist and her soothing touch; that my son, my sweet little lovable panda would never open his eyes; that he would never again smile that heartwarming smile. Never, not even in a million years, will I embrace his tiny, pale, alive body.

That was the day Uzumaki Naruto died. Not from the hands of Orochimaru, nor by some stupid crash; but from a soul loss.

So tell me, I would really like to know.

_Have you ever lost something precious to death? For it is hell._

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**[1] Pearl Anniversary – 30 years of marriage; **

**A/N: This is just a prologue to my new story, which would not be multi-chapter. And please, don't be alarmed, it is yaoi – and by that I mean SasuNaru; when have I ever written some Naruto story line without them in it? Though, I'm not promising a happy one, which can be concluded. I mean really?**


	2. Kuro no Boido

******Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto, or any of the stupid things in here, except the plot.**

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_Have you ever regretted falling in love?_

Looking back at my life, my past experiences rather, I can't do anything but wonder. What if I had done things the other way? What would have had happened if instead of turning right, I turned left? Would today be different? Would it be better? Would this nothingness inside of me be filled, would this constant and un-durable heartache be replaced with love, happiness?

But that is all I can do, wonder. No man has ever invented a time-machine that will grant an individual his wishes of a change, none the less mine.

I used to think so, I truly believed the world rotated around me; that my every single whim will be fulfilled, or there will be consequences to pay. And why not; I'm intelligent than most of people in this world, have more money than I'll ever need, I can put Hollywood actor to shame with my looks and have been blessed with a loving family.

My father has raised my brother and I to be his successors, both in business and life; we never missed a thing in our childhood. Our mother made sure to give us things as affection and feelings, the only thing he couldn't teach us. My days with them are made of nothing but joy and love.

In my early teens I started seeking the different kind of affection out of our home; girls and boys alike would seek my company just so that they could look at me. I was an idol in my home-town, a dreamy neighborhood boy, a prince-charming in a black Mercedes rather than a horse. And I loved it; in every single second they spent admiring me I bathed.

This didn't change through-out the years; I was still a man from dreams for everybody and it still brought me joy to be loved so. My family's boost of self-confidence only helped.

I had many friends, for everybody wanted a piece of me. Though, only a selected few I trusted and those were consisted of Sakura, a pink-haired beauty that went to the same kindergarten as me, Suigetsu, a b bad boy I met in my high-school and Kakashi, my college teacher. The three of them wore proud positions of being my best and most valuable friends.

Everything was good; I was working in my father's company as its VP, I regularly hang around with the three and changed my lovers like socks. I being bi only fueled public's wishes to be with me. The only thing that never came to me was love, but I never minded it. I was young, too young for I think, to ever think about it.

Then my life took 180 degrees turn, never to be same again; wanting or not, love has found me. And it came so suddenly that when it went away, it only left darkness.

**My name is Sasuke Uchiha and this is the story of my first and most painful love.**

The day that changed my life was ordinary, just like any other; I woke up entangled in my current lover's body, sent him away in tears and started my morning routine.

After I got ready- meaning brushed and dressed- I set out to work. I remember getting annoyed by something in the way, but now all that seems pointless. I truly believe everything from that day was leading me towards my father's office where I met a man which made my stomach, blood and heart do things I thought were impossible.

His name was Naruto, Uzumaki Naruto, and was the son of my father's childhood friend. From what I've gather from father, he was a carbon copy of his own father; they had the same disheveled blonde mop of hair, the same slightly tanned skin and the same sapphire eyes that shone with emotion. Just that his didn't; there was nothing in them but dullness. In the middle of my admiring I recall thinking how that grim face should be grace by only smile and nothing else; and I also remember I made a promise to myself to do so.

Naruto was visiting my father in order to tell him to stop with the letters; later I found out that father has been sending him letters, in hope of seeing the boy. Impassively and coldly, Naruto demanded of him to break it off; he wanted neither his mercy nor his time. I believe father was greatly hurt by that, as anyone would be; an Uchiha was giving you an opportunity to be near him, and you deny it? You had to be crazy to do something like that.

Nevertheless, Naruto stood his ground. After an hour of arguing, to which I admit was included, Naruto backed out and left. Leaving me wanting to find about him more.

It took me a month to gather my wits and courage and confess to myself that I was romantically interested in him; it still wasn't love, but if permitted it could grow. I stopped seeing other people, for I felt like a dirty cheater, even if I had no reason to feel so, when with somebody other than him. There wasn't a time when I didn't wonder about him; was he alright, how soft would his lips feel on mine, was something awakening in him towards me, will I be given a chance to start something…

It was my brother, Itachi that stroke me on the head and told me to seek him. And I did, without a moment's notice. I found his address in father's computer and quickly grabbed my car keys; my destination was a small town not that away from ours.

It didn't pass too smoothly; when I found him he was still stuck up on not seeing anybody from our family. It took me a bloody nose to get him to acknowledge me as a friend, at least.

For the next few months I was living in a hotel, lazing around until I knew he was free to go and see him. The rest of the day was spent enjoying my time with him over lunch and dinner, talking. Naruto was funny when out of his shell, though a little bit secretive. Even if he never said so, I did feel like his mistress at times. We were always hiding when together, even if it was just a friendly outgoing. This lead to me falling more and more; before I noticed it, I was sickly and un-reversibly in love with him. Whenever I looked at him, my heart thumped, my blood was on fire and I could easily feel those stupid butterflies in my stomach.

Everything was good for a while; I've hidden away my feelings, frightened that if he ever found out, I would be driven out of his life. And I could've never stood that, I truly believed that if he chose to close off our friendship, I would've died.

The first time I came to his apartment, on a dinner date, I couldn't help but notice a single picture. On it, there were a red-headed woman, a beauty, and a small child. They were smiling so brightly that both my eyes and heart hurt. Naruto, who was standing behind me, told me they were his family; his wife Karin and their little boy Gaara.

A small portion of me that was hoping he was gay, or at least Bi, smashed down to earth quickly. For, when he talked about them, he smiled. It was a small, sad smile, but still a one. There was no doubt; Naruto's heart was seized by them a long time ago.

Then, he proceeded to tell me what happened to them; more than three years ago, they were both killed by a car accident. A bus driver ran over them, killing his son instantly while his wife died an hour later in the hospital she worked in. I was hit with a wave of sadness so great I didn't know what to say. So I hugged him; I embraced him and told him that if he ever felt like breaking down, I will be there for him. His quietness should have been my first indicator to the reality; he was already broken, torn beyond repair. Not even my love, no matter how great and pure it was, could heal the battered body he resided in.

But I didn't know that then and I truly believed I could help him; that I was the one who would bring him back to light. I started showing my feelings more, thinking it was what he needed; a gentle tug on his arm, the light, feathery kisses on his forehead, the sweet nothings directed to his heart. He never stopped me, he never told me it was all in vain; the first time I kissed him, pouring all my feelings into it, he barely responded. We started spending more and more time together, snuggling in his apartment, me holding him while he rested… When I said I wanted to make love to him, he complied. That night he gave me his body, touched me in all the right ways; he made me feel like I was in Heaven, both body and heart.

It took time, but I noticed that no matter how many times I made love to him he didn't; to Naruto it was just sex. So I tried even harder; I took him out in the open more, used all the little romance tips I had, I made love to him even gentler and softer, always demanding on a useless cuddling- a thing I never did with anybody- just so that he could answer my need, my want, my love.

It was all in vain, for nothing worked. He was still passive, which hurt me deeply. And I confronted him; asked him what I am to him and does he even love me.

The words he said next felt like a knife plunged through my chest: '_I can't I cannot feel anything but agony._' I didn't understand I really didn't; after all I gave to him, my heart and soul on a silver platter, he didn't respond? I wanted to scream, to yell, I wanted to demand of him to tell me it is a lie. He shushed me and told me to listen. I did just that, sat next to him and listened to his life story.

When he finished he looked at me and I felt awful; in his eyes there was no life, no sign of awareness. The man standing before me, the man I loved, the man I dreamt about, was dead; gone and unreachable for the world and me. Only then did I realize what he really was, a lifeless puppet, a body without a soul, a person without a purpose. Unfeeling and untouchable for me was Naruto.

And I cried, for the first time in my life I cried; sobbed miserably about the unfairness of it all. He, Naruto, held me. He rocked me like a little baby, asking me to forgive him; but to what? It wasn't his fault, none of it. There was only one person to blame for what he became and no matter what I do, the damage was un-reversible.

I left him; I couldn't stand to be near him anymore. I couldn't cope with looking at his bright blue eyes every day, knowing that behind them there was no heart that will ever beat for me. I went back to my old life, fully well knowing that even though his touches were unfeeling, there will never be a man or a woman that could make my body burn like he did.

Two years later a message arrived. In it was a latter from an officer Hatake telling me that on a March 19th, Uzumaki Naruto died from a blood loss, after being shot six times. I was shocked and stunned by the news and could trust my eyes; I thought they surely were kidding. Naruto couldn't die, he simply couldn't. I needed him, he was the sole reason I existed; it wasn't important we were separated, and that he didn't love me. All I needed to survive was him and him only.

The envelope consisted of a short note from Naruto himself, written shortly before his death. It consisted of few sentences.

'_Orochimaru is nearing, my time will come soon. I'm sorry Sasuke, I'm so sorry for what I've caused you, but it was the only way to keep you safe. I don't want more people dying because of me. I just want to tell you that if, by chance, my life wasn't ruined by him that I would certainly love you. I want you to know that even if it was futile, I loved being loved by you. _'

That day my world went to pieces; along with Naruto, traces of my heart were destroyed. I could not ever forgive myself from leaving him alone; if I was there, if I pretended not to see his real self, that he would be alive. Thinking that if I just stayed a little bit longer that I could've helped him. No matter how useless my love was, my body could've protected him!

I regret falling in love with him. Because I only miss him more and more each day; reminiscing our happier days, re-reading the letter again and again because it's the only thing I have of him. I am still standing on the same spot he left me, only angrier, sadder and more useless. I'm waiting for him to come to me, to hold me, kiss me and tell me it's gonna be alright. Only to realize that he's gone, forever gone, some place when even my hands cannot reach him.

Do tell, I want to know.

_Have you ever regretted falling in love? For it is anguish._

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**__A/N: OK, so this was not that in-depth as I would liked it to be. But it is what you get. This story is complete and even if you beg on your knees, offering me Naru-chan bathed in cheesecake, I will not give in. But you are welcomed to share your thoughts on this little piece of artwork; I just adore seeing the review page filled.**


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